On Grieving by the Rev. Dave Sonmor

In our Church we have many clear teachings on the subject of life after death. These teachings give us a great deal of comfort when one who is dear to us passes into eternal life. We do not fear that their life is ended but optimistically believe, indeed know, that a new and larger life has begun for them. But nevertheless we grieve. We grieve for our loss and for the pain and loneliness we experience because they are no longer here with us. We do not need to worry about their happy condition. But what about ours? THEY are OK, but what about US? As a church group or congregation we know that the immediate family members are the ones most affected, but really we all feel a strong sense of loss when these friends with whom we have worked and played and worshipped, pass into the higher life. We all grieve to some extent. We all share in the loneliness that the spouses and parents and children feel so strongly. One of the advantages of belonging to a church community is that grief in the early stages is shared and comfort is gained from one another.

Rose Sometimes I think that we don't understand very well what is going on when we go through the grieving process. We expect that after a month or two it should be over and done with. But then six months or even a year or two later, strange feelings of sadness and anger and anxiety or even of guilt may overwhelm us. This can happen when we think we are long past the state of being affected by our loss. We may not always associate these feelings to grief. We may feel that we have it under control then all of a sudden something comes out of the past and brings up the feelings all over again. This stirring of old feelings that can bring on waves of sadness or guilt, is often related to unresolved issues from the past. Perhaps we haven't really grieved properly, but instead we may have suppressed our thoughts and our emotions. We may then fall back into a state of self-blame. It's my fault! I should have done this or said that, I should have been here or there, I didn't do enough, or I did too much, and so on. Often, when we experience this rise of emotion we tend not to share it for fear that people will feel that we are weak or that our faith is not sure. So we suffer alone and continue to leave the matters unresolved.

When we have these stressful after-experiences it can help to simply turn our negative thoughts around. For every idea that pops up about something you did or said that may have been wrong, think of at least two things you can recall that you did or said that was right. This practice can help you in experiencing the positive things that happened in your relationship. So instead of laying a lot of blame on yourself by dwelling on negative things, which are often exaggerated in your mind anyway, and are mostly speculation, you can celebrate the real aspects of your relationship that were loving and kind and supportive and helpful as they were jointly experienced by both of you.

If there are some real negative based past experiences that were done with ill intent and meanness then those should be thought out and examined, not to make excuses for them, but to come to an understanding of the evil within them and the hurtfulness that was in them. Then we should acknowledge what they were and ask the Lord for forgiveness and determine never to act in that manner towards another person. Then we must make every effort possible to carry out the promise. This is a true practice of repentance and is really the only way to deal with truly deserved guilt. In Swedenborg's terms: "Sins cannot be taken away except by actual repentance, which is, that the person sees their sins, implores the Lords aid, and desists from them…A person who explores them-self in order to perform repentance, must explore his/her thoughts and the intention of their will. They must reflect upon their evils, acknowledge them thus becoming fully aware of them, and then make a commitment to make the avoidance of involvement in such activity a part of their everyday life. (New Jerusalem And Its Heavenly Doctrine 9)

Robert Kirven, God bless his soul, in a pamphlet titled, Let's Talk Rose About Death and Life, says, "It is far better to focus your attention on the loss that grieves you. Talk about it with your relatives and friends. Think about the circumstances of the death, dwelling on the details and of your last experiences together. If such thoughts move you to tears, weep as freely as you can."

I have a booklet, put out by Novalis, called; "Lord Help Me, I'm Grieving". It identifies several emotions and steps, involved in grief and provides statements from scripture that address the feelings involved. I would like to share some of these and also add the comfort of some of our teachings to them as well.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains: from where will my help comes? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot give way; your guardian will not slumber; See, the guardian of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps! The Lord is your guardian, the Lord is your protection at your right hand. By day the sun will not strike you; nor the moon by night. The Lord will guard you from all harm; He will guard your life. The Lord will guard your coming and going now and forever.

Psalm 121

There are many emotions and feelings involved in grief and one of the most prevalent is emptiness. In expressing this empty feeling to the Lord we say something like this; "Lord, I am numb: my heart is heavy with grief. There is a dull ache in me, a feeling of being empty, of being dried out or crushed. Also, all around me there seems to be nothing but emptiness, a great void that draws me in and engulfs me. Wherever I go I feel this emptiness. Nothing seems to mean anything important; great issues everyone is talking about seem to me to be trivial; I find nothing to get interested in or excited about. I search in vain, there is no one for me. The people around me continue to relate to me, but it is as though I were disassociated from them. They are there talking, but I feel there is no connection. They cannot feel my emptiness, they cannot fill the void. When we are in that kind of state we tend to isolate ourselves even more. We avoid meeting others or they get the feeling we do not want them around, so they may avoid us. There is also a tendency to avoid contact with the Lord. Oh, we may call to Him in our distress but we basically feel that we are alone in every sense of the word. We expect rejection as that is a part of the emptiness.

Novalis

I lift my eyes to the mountain from where my help comes.

It is in consequence of angels' dwellings being upon heavenly mountains and hills that 'mountains' and 'hills' in the Word signify heaven and the Church, for that is where love is directed to the Lord and towards the neighbor.

Apocalypse Revealed 336

Now, do not be grieved, do not have any anger in your eyes.

Genesis 45:5

'Do not be grieved' means anxiety in the heart or will. This is clear from the meaning of 'grief' as anxiety, existing indeed in the heart or will. For the words that immediately follow 'do not have any anger in your eyes' mean sadness in the spirit or understanding. The expressions 'in the heart or will' and 'in the spirit or understanding' are used because 'the heart' has reference through correspondence to desires in the will, and thus has reference to what is celestial, which is the good of love. But 'the spirit' has reference to ideas in the understanding, for it has reference to what is spiritual, which is the truth of faith…One expression has reference to the will, the other to the understanding; or what amounts to the same, one has reference to the good of love, the other to the truth of faith. The reason for this is the heavenly marriage, which is one of goodness and truth, present in every detail of the Word.

Arcana Coelestia 5887 & 5888

Often we just ride out this feeling of grief until it eventually diminishes or passes away. But the problem is that it is unresolved and that is why it keeps returning and interrupting our progress and growth. When it occurs we can turn to the Lord and He will be there. He will understand what we are going through. It is a trial of temptation not unlike what He experienced on the cross. Psalm 142 can be used to make this contact:

I cry aloud to the Lord; I appeal to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before Him; I lay my trouble before Him when my spirit fails within me. You know my course; they have laid a trap in the path I walk. Look at my right and see….I have no friend. There is nowhere I can flee, no one cares about me. So I cry to You, O Lord; I say, "You are my refuge, all I have in the land of the living." Listen to my cry, for I have been brought very low. Save me from my pursuers, for they are too strong for me. Free me from prison, that I may praise Your name. The righteous shall glory in me for Your gracious dealings with me.

The last two verses summarize the whole situation. "Listen to my cry for I have been brought very low." I ask that You acknowledge my empty state and help me to see that it is without foundation. "Save me from my pursuers, for they are too strong for me." I need your help in order to realize that I am not living in a void, to get rid of the idea that nothing means anything, to realize that my life is real. The prison I am trapped in is the temptation to be bound to self pity and to justify my feeling that I have been dealt with unfairly. When I realize my lot is not so bad then I will be able to see all the good that is in my life and so be free to live more fully and to serve others in Your name.

Another feeling that often comes with grief is solitude or aloneness. For some this feeling is overwhelming, others may be used to it simply because of their lifestyle. But when associated with the loss of a loved one there is a strong element of permanency to it. A life of sharing has become a life centered only on self. After all, who is there to share Rose with? This loneliness can be crushing as a result of it we may feel very angry. Angry at life, angry at God, even angry with the person who has died. We feel like saying: O Lord, My God! I never could have imagined that this would happen to me. We could have done so much more together, but now I am left alone. I have no one. I have nothing. I am nothing without my partner. I don't like this state. I want things to be like they used to be. Please bring back what used to be. This loneliness is crushing. I cannot bear so much sorrow. I am so angry I could burst It is alright to feel anger and to express the feeling openly. It is alright to feel that you have been dealt with unfairly because you are experiencing real pain and it hurts.

The loneliness associated with grieving is very much like the emptiness, the void that has been made. But it has very concrete origins. Two has indeed become one and there is a strong feeling that nothing or no one will ever fill the void. The one left behind who feels so much alone often has a tendency to withdraw from the company of others. They do not want to be around other people so that their state of aloneness is much more real and evident. It is easy to get trapped in that mode of living as it reinforces the idea that we are suffering and should be pitied. Through all these times it is good to go to the Lord for comfort because He will be able to reach you if you open yourself to His love and care.

You may pray: "Yes, Lord, I know You can comfort me but I do not want to believe it yet. We were so close and now it is all over…I have so many things to settle today, but little by little, I am beginning to understand better….Help me, Lord, to live through this ordeal. Give me courage when I need it. Help me to meet people who will understand what I am going through; my frailty and my tears. Dear God stay with me, share my sorrow."

When I am surrounded by my troubles, You keep me safe. Amen

There comes a point of time in grieving when most people develop the idea that they want to pull through. They want to stop being constantly depressed and get on with their life. Being in a continual funk serves no good purpose either for ones self or for others. When this happens then we begin to recognize the people around us who really do understand and are willing to help us. The Lord works through others to reach us and to comfort us. We need to hear encouraging words and there is no one better to hear them from than from someone who has already been down the road that we are now travelling. We realize that it is alright to accept a friendly hand that is held out to us. Then our recovery is well on the way. The weight we have been carrying alone is lifted because it is shared.

Novalis

Swedenborg taught that our loving relationships do not end with death. He reports that husbands and wives who have lived in marriage love continue that relationship in their spiritual lives. The bond is so strong that it transcends physical death and they continue to develop it and perfect it. If the relationship you are grieving was not a marriage, but it was your child, or parent, or friend, who died, you can still look forward to reunion. Your spiritual life will be lived in the company of those with whom you have the most in common. That is those whom you love.

But philosophical speculation on the future cannot relieve the pain one feels in grief, it can only provide hope. Sharing and expressing our grief is the best way to deal with it and get past it. When we do move through our grief a weight is lifted from us and then we begin to discover new meaning and new joy in life. I will close with this prayer from Novalis:

Dear God, I am slowly rediscovering life. I realize that there are so many beautiful things in this world in which I am still living. I see flowers blooming, I hear birds singing in the morning. And mostly, I know there are people who wish me well. Lord, open my eyes, my ears and my heart! Dry my tears, so none will have been shed in vain! Each one is precious to you, and all are precious to the loved one I have lost. Do not let me become hardened. Lift the weight from my heart. Whatever happens, I know that You will be faithful to me, You, who are, My Lord and my God! Amen.