the middle of the day on February 1, 1993, I found
myself with some spare time. Time to sort through some
boxes in the garage from our move in November. I saw a
long-forgotten box that I just dreaded. I had no idea
what to do with the contents of this box, for it
contained the letters and photographs of my fiancé,
Jim, who died in the Viet Nam war. I heard a small voice
in my mind saying "It's OK now - you can handle it.
Go through the box before you throw it away."
opened the box and I read one of Jim's letters and I
immediately crumbled to the concrete slab, unable to
stand on my feet. Tears started flowing like a river. To
put it mildly, I was a complete and total mess in the
span of less than two minutes.
somehow managed to "put myself together"
before my husband came home. He did not have a clue that
anything was out of the ordinary. The next morning, I
called Joann, my counselor, whom I had seen for a few
months about two years earlier and now was a friend. I had originally gone to
her for issues relating to delayed grief about my
will always be grateful to Joann for the love and time
that she gave to me.
I was a teenager, during a 6 year time frame, I lost 9
people - both parents, both sets of grandparents, my
favorite cousin, a friend and Jim. I was totally and
completely numb - I couldn't even cry. So I held that
grief inside of me for over 20 years with an iron-clad
determination "never to let God see me cry."
counseling, Joann helped me
"process" the grief for 8 of the people; but I
could not go into the grief that I felt about Jim.
Instead, I denied that there was any grief there; after
all, I was now married.
days passed before I saw her - I was basically
a basket case by this time; I couldn't stop crying. I
had never seen myself out-of-control before and it
frightened me terribly. I told her that I wanted to ask
God for Jim's presence - it would help the grieving
process I felt. She told me that she didn't think it was
wise, but I countered that if I was asking God, then His
will be done - if it wasn't wise, then let God be the
judge of that.
night, I got down on my knees and asked God for Jim's
presence. I just couldn't bear this terrible oppressive
grief that I was going through. I went to bed. I had no
idea what I had asked God for; nor did I envision how
Jim's presence was going to manifest itself or even if
to my shock and complete disbelief, I was awakened
around 2:00 a.m. by Jim's voice. I heard his voice with
my physical ear. It was undeniably him. Jim was from
Texas and that accent was too distinctive to be
mistaken. Again, he spoke my name and then he told me to
write his grandmother. Write his grandmother? I had no
contact with Jim's family since his death - I was sure
that she must be dead by now. Jim assured me that she
was alive and that I could reach her. I started to argue
with him and tell him that it was absurd for me to write
this letter. He just kept saying to write his
I decided to get out of bed and I would write the
letter. I had read plenty of psychology books, and I
knew the cure for this. I would write the letter and
simply throw it away. I would be cured...and my grief
would be over.
wrote an 8 page letter to his grandmother, telling her
how much I had loved Jim - and that I would have been
proud to have been his wife. Jim kept telling me to tell
her "the truth" about what happened. In a
letter to Jim shortly before he died, I asked him for
more time before we married - I wanted him to have some
time to adjust from the war before we married. At my
young age, I did not know how this might sound to
someone on the front lines. Jim misinterpreted the
letter and wrote his grandmother and father that I had
broken up with him. That letter was delivered on the day
of his funeral.
in no way did I want to write his family; I was sure
that they must hate me. So I know that this came from
outside of me. I carried the guilt that I was
responsible for Jim's death for 23 years; it was a
tremendously heavy burden. Jim wanted his grandmother to
know the truth.
the letter was written, I felt that "the
voice" would go away. It didn't. And by this time,
Jim was communicating with me telepathically, although
sometimes, I would still hear him with my physical ear.
Jim kept after me to mail the letter. I then started
arguing with him that it would be better to send it to
his father - it would be easier on him than on the
grandmother. Jim told me that I would not be able to
reach his father as he had divorced Jim's stepmother
(Jim's mother had died when he was 14) and had moved out
of state. This information later proved to be true. By
this time, I had come across the only letter from his
grandmother that I had kept - there was no name on the
envelope (she had insisted that I call her by the
endearment that Jim called her - Memie). There was a
street address, but that's all. I couldn't for the life
of me remember her name. I then utilized a phone service
that would give you the missing information. The phone
number that I had for her (in one of Jim's letters to
me) was still good and the service provided her name.
The only difference was that the street address had
changed - same street, four blocks south. As soon as I
heard her name, I knew it was Jim's grandmother.
that only letter from Memie that I had saved all those
years, she mentioned Jim's birthday - February 1st.
I hadn't consciously remembered his birthday - and that
was the very day that I found his letters again.
whole month, I argued with Jim about sending that
letter. I prayed constantly to God about what to do. I
didn't want to hurt his grandmother by opening up a
wound that would surely hurt her. Jim's mother, Memie's
daughter and only child, had died of cancer four years
before Jim died. I knew that Memie had her share of
sorrow on this earth. Jim kept insisting that I send it
and so I finally did. I begged God for forgiveness if I
had done wrong.
wrote me back and I would have received her letter about
ten days earlier; however the postal service apparently
sent it to a northern state before sending it to me. I
was literally chewing my nails waiting for that letter
from her. Ironically, her letter arrived on March 29th
- the anniversary of the day that I met Jim. I began to
notice the "coincidence" of events, as though
an unseen force was directing all of this.
wrote me back a 15 page letter - it was a real
outpouring of love and grief. She never had a support
group for her intense grief and it flowed out of her
letter to me. She wanted to meet me and asked me to come
and visit her.
these first 3 months, I was experiencing dreams of what
I imagine was Viet Nam - a lot of them in the nighttime
- with bursts of what I felt were
"firefights". I then read a couple of
"grunts" books of what that war was like. Jim
came to me one day and told me that he was not giving me
the dreams - I was doing it to myself and that he could
stop it; and the dreams did stop. He also asked me not
to read any more Viet Nam war books.
June, I flew out to visit Memie. I was only going to
stay 2 days, but she asked me to
stay 10 - and it was
very hard for me to leave at the end of those 10 days.
We could both feel Jim's presence very much around us -
it was incredible. I felt that I could hear him
breathing. I hesitatingly told her that Jim had spoken
to me - that I had actually heard him. And without
missing a beat, she told me that she believed me for Jim
had appeared to her as she sat down to read my first
read the letter that I had written to Jim explaining
that we needed time - for some strange reason, Jim had
returned that letter to me and had written over it - it
was undeniably his writing on my letter. Memie could see
for herself that I had not broken up with Jim. She
hugged me and told me that there was nothing to forgive.
I felt as though a huge boulder had been lifted from my
shoulders. I went home fully expecting to "let
go" of Jim - after all, it's what the counselor
said I had to do; what the self-help books say to do. I
allowed myself time to grieve and cry and I was
constantly reading Jim's letters. One day, I heard him
ask me why I was skipping portions of his letters. [At
this point, I also was aware that he was able to read my
thoughts.] I was skipping the parts that mentioned that
we would be married. And Jim pointed this out to me. I
responded to Jim not to make it harder than it already
was - that I must let him go.
then that's when he told me that I didn't have to let
him go - not ever. He told me that we would be married
in the Afterlife. This is not what I expected to hear;
nor at that time, wanted to hear. I couldn't believe
this - I had never heard of this. I literally begged Jim
not to do this to me - I was suffering so much already.
I couldn't bear any more suffering. I then got my Bible
(by now I was reading it daily because I remembered my
dear grandmother saying that she read it every day - and
I also was feeling her presence this time). And I opened
it to the passages where Jesus says that there is no
marriage. And Jim just kept repeating that it wasn't
what it appeared to be.
couple of days later, I saw Joann for the last
counseling session, as she was moving out of state. She knew that
something was wrong, even though I tried my best not to
show it. She asked what Jim was saying to me (apparently
she believed me that I was truly talking to him). I
replied that he loved me. She then asked me again what
he said, and again I just mumbled that he loved me. She
again insisted a third time and that's when
I broke down and cried. I told her that Jim said that we
would be married in the Afterlife. "Surely you don't mean
sex?" At that point, it
was the farthest thing from my mind because I would have
been in heaven just to be able to touch Jim's hand. And
it was the most amazing thing because I turned to where
I could sense Jim was sitting and I opened my mouth and I said, "Well, we are all adults here - yes,
that's what I mean." It felt as though Jim had
spoken through me. Well, to put it mildly, I was in a state of total
confusion and Jim
I got home, Jim drew close to me - and I told him to get
away from me. I could sense that he felt hurt that I
thought that he was lying to me. At that point, I told
God, rather disrespectfully, that if He wanted to answer
prayer, He could just send down my mother - I needed
her. And much to my utter shock, she was there. I could
feel her presence - it was overwhelming, and undeniably
her. She was angry - she told me that she had been
protecting and watching over me since she had died (when
I was 15) and that no one from the other side could lie
to me. She told me that Jim was telling me the truth and
that I must listen to him. I then fell down on the floor
sobbing, and as I lay there, it felt like my head was in
her lap and she was stroking my hair. It was real.
knew that there was no way that were was no possible way
that I could be fooled about my mother's presence - we
had been so very close when she was in this world, and I
knew without doubt that I could trust her. I then told God that I would
suspend my disbelief and keep an open mind, but that I
needed help in searching for answers. By this time, I
was already reading a book a night and had probably read
over 150 books dealing with the afterlife.
couple of weeks later, on August 4th, about
10:00 a.m., I was working on the computer. For some
reason, I turned around and standing in the doorway was
my cousin Jerry, who had died when he was 13…only he
looked to be 20. He didn't say anything, but just
smiled. I knew it was him…by his smile and his eyes.
He was in color, 3D and looked as real as anybody here
on earth. No…nothing special about light, but he did
wear a suit and tie!
asked Jim about my cousin, and he told me that he was on
a baseball team in Heaven. This would have been a big
thing for Jerry, as he was born with holes in his heart,
and was never allowed to run like "normal"
kids. He told me that Jerry was engaged to be married,
but was waiting for his mother to cross into the
afterlife (his father had already crossed). I just
rolled my eyes at what Jim said.
also asked Jim why I didn't see him - I wanted to very
badly. And he told me that it was because of me. My mind
would have told me that I made all of this up, if I had
been allowed to see Jim, because I wanted it so badly.
This way, by seeing Jerry instead, I knew that I didn't
make it up.
continued my searching of any and all books that I could
find, both in the library and the bookstores. I would
also search the bibliographies. I kept seeing the name
Emanuel Swedenborg in a few of the books. Every time my
eyes rested on the name, Jim would say very strongly to
me that I must read his books. I resisted, because I
felt that he would be very similar to Martin Luther, who
I had already read.
the end of 8 months, the first part of October, I was
very near an emotional breakdown. I just couldn't go on
at this frantic pace that I was driving myself. I read
yet another book on the afterlife that mentioned
Swedenborg, and when my eyes again rested on that name,
I could hear Jim literally shouting at me to read
Swedenborg. I then went to the library and checked out
"Heaven and Hell."
I sensed that the book was different. I kneeled down and
held it up toward the ceiling in the palm of both hands
and prayed, "Dear God, let this be the book that
has the answers." I then opened up to the Table of
Contents and skimmed the listed chapters. Unbelievably
to me, there was Chapter 40 - Marriage in Heaven. With
heart beating, I turned there first. I expected to read
a one-paragraph chapter stating that there was no
marriage in heaven. But that was not the case. Tears
were streaming down my face as I read that there is
indeed marriage in heaven with the spouse that felt like
the other part of yourself.
this moment, I could hear Jim saying, "Honey, I
told you so - see it is true." I must
that chapter 10 times that night and then the next
night, I started from Chapter 1. I learned so much from
that one little book - I will always be grateful to God
for leading me to it. Over the course of the next four
years until the present time, I have continued to read
Swedenborg and am amazed at how rational, enlightening
and loving his writings are. I have no doubt that I am
alive today because of these writings.
took another 1-1/2 years for the intense grief to take
its course - I wasn't healed overnight by reading Heaven
and Hell. As I slowly began to surrender control of my
life to God, I became less and less depressed. Slowly,
but surely, God healed me from the inside out. Today,
even with me being physically separated from Jim and the
rest of my loved ones, I find happiness being alive. I
never thought that it would be possible - to be happy on
this side, but I am.
look forward to the day that it is my turn to cross into
the spiritual world and start my new married life with
Jim, but I also realize that I must have much to do in
this world (or else I would have already been gone). I
do the best that I can - although I am painfully aware
of my spiritual shortcomings from time to time. But I
know that the Lord loves each and all of us
unconditionally - without regard to religious ties or
dogma. He has prepared a heaven for all of mankind - we
only have to reach out and accept His gift of
everlasting life and to love one another in the spirit
as He loves us.
things that Jim told me regarding this world
his grandmother was alive and could be reached.
his grandmother would understand & gain
comfort by my contacting her.
his father had moved out of state and divorced.
The things that Jim told me regarding the next world
there is free will in the spiritual world.
do not wear white robes, have halos or wings or
strum harps (unless we really want to).
my cousin, Jerry, was on a baseball team; that
he was engaged and would be waiting for his
mother to cross over into the afterlife before
we are men and women and retain gender identity.
there was marriage in heaven.
everything starts in the spiritual world - this
natural world has it after the spiritual world
has brought it to pass. That everything that is
"good" in this world is also in the
spiritual world. There is music, art,
literature, trees, forests, rivers, lakes,
oceans. Whatever we have, the spiritual world
has it - only more perfectly.
people are perpetually young in the afterlife.
abilities are greatly enhanced - people do with
their minds what we could only imagine here. But
if a person wants to still "do it the hard
way and with their hands" that is done as
well. (For example, an artist may want to
continue painting with his/her hands instead of
visualizing completing it mentally.
you can live anywhere you want geographically in
the spiritual world and at any time frame you
want. You can live in a foreign land and in the
1800's, for example. Or you can travel to a
distant planet and live in a future time frame.
they have celebrations in the afterlife -
weddings, birthdays, graduations, etc. They have
food at these celebrations - festive
have colors, music and plants that we have never
seen or heard here on earth.
anything that had sentimental value here on this
earth can be recreated over there - like
photographs, special tokens of love like
there are schools for continuing education.
Visions of the Afterlife that Jim shared with me
Jim insisted on building a house for me. He asked me to
design a house plan that I wanted. I bought one of those
home planning magazines and started looking at designs
(after much objection by me that none of this could
possibly be true). I then selected a small cottage. Jim
was angry and told me that it was a sign that I didn't
truly believe that any of this was true [he was right].
I insisted on the small one. At night, he would share
with me the stages of building - footings being poured;
foundation; framing, etc. He was building it with his
hands. One day, about six weeks after he started the
project, he came to me and told me that the cottage
plans did not include a fireplace and that he knew I
wanted one. I replied back that the plans did indeed
include a fireplace - he told me to go look. To my
surprise, there was no fireplace. Jim said that he had
to rework the plans - remove and anchor some of the
framing and redesign the front. My mother then came to
me and said that Jim had asked her to decorate the
interior (she had been quite good at this). I just
laughed for I was having trouble then believing any of
this - I told her to surprise me. Later Jim told me that
my grandfather was landscaping the grounds (he was an
amateur gardener). Within a year, the house was
completed and Jim took me for a walkthrough - the house
is incredibly beautiful - heavenly. My mother decorated
with pastel shades of blue, rose and shimmering gold -
yet it is not ornate. She stenciled the ceiling and the
edges of the flooring.
was not happy with the bath - and asked me if I cared if
he remodeled a bit. I replied he could do anything that
he wanted. Just within the last year, he again took me
to the house and it was the same as when I first
inspected in, with the exception of the bath. When the
door was opened, the bath had been changed - it was now
about the ten times the size of the original house and
it looked like Hawaii with waterfall and streams.
Jim wanted my mother to sew my wedding dress (she was an
excellent seamstress here). My mother came to me and
asked me what I wanted. I replied that I wanted
something very simple - cotton eyelet, street length.
She asked me if I was sure about this and I said yes. A
couple of weeks later, in a conversation with Jim [I was
talking to him on a daily basis], he told me that he was
angry about my choice of dress - he wanted something
more formal. Again, like the house, he knew that my
choice of something modest indicated that I believed
none of this. And he was so right! So, I told him that
if he was unhappy with the dress that he could design it
with my mother. And that seemed to satisfy him. A couple
of months later, my mother came to me again and I was
given a visual glimpse of the wedding dress she had
lovingly created with her hands - just the bodice. I
couldn't even begin to describe its beauty. I haven't
seen the complete dress, but I have been told that it is
Jim has been able to show me a vision of our future
wedding (yes, I can see the wedding dress; but it's from
a distance and cannot visualize the complete dress
close-up). I have seen the two of us as we take our vows
in a chapel, and I see my loved ones there. I have seen
portions of the reception, with the decorations and
I have continuing dream-state visions of going dancing
with Jim. We particularly like the "sock hops"
of the late 50's-early 60's, but we also go to the Big
Band dances as well. There is so much variety in the
Afterlife. We also go ice-skating - feels like flying.
In addition to these series of ADCs with Jim, there were
two times that he previously made contact with me. About
two weeks after his death, I was walking across campus
late one afternoon. I heard Jim call my name. I knew
that it wasn't possible - so I kept on walking. He then
again called my name. Thinking that it had to be someone
else, I stopped and turned around - and no one was
10 years after Jim died, I had a dream - it was very
real. This angelic person, definitely a male met me in
the hallway of my home. He had a white robe on and I
knew that this was a person that I knew before but had
died. There was a soft golden light around his head. He
put his arm around me - and as I came to from the dream,
I murmured to myself that I have never known such love
before. Afterwards, I would not dwell on who that person
was - too threatening for me at the time. When Jim first
starting talking to me again, he "flashed"
that dream into my mind and whispered, Remember?
my departed cousin, Jerry, was terrifying for me
initially. I thought that this was a sign that my
rational mind was deteriorating under the stress and
strain of grief. When I first saw him, it was anything
but comforting. After about a month of the pity-party, I
finally came to my senses. I then started praying that
his immediate family be given the vision that I had so
that they would know he was still alive and was now
healthy (he was born with heart problems and died when
he was 13).
lost track of my cousins and aunt. Because there were so
many deaths in the family, my extended family fell
apart. My aunt became embittered and was extremely
judgmental religiously. So over the course of time, I
had no contact with any of them. When I started praying
that they be given this vision, I had not seen some of
them for 22 years.
a year after I started praying that his family be given
this vision, I received a late-night phone call from
Jerry's sister, JoAnn (Jo). She told me that she could
not get me out of her mind - that for the last several
months, she had been thinking of me. She did not know
where I lived and then decided to "track me
down". She lived about a two hour drive from me.
She stated that she had been quite ill and I made
arrangements to see her. I could barely speak to her on
that first call, for I was crying like a baby. I decided
to wait to see her in person before I told her of my
I went to see Jo, she was indeed very ill and still is -
emphysema, and she was on oxygen. I told her about Jerry
and my prayer. Without skipping a beat, she told me that
she believed me. She then told me that she had a NDE and
that a former boyfriend had visited her in this NDE. [I
knew at this point that he had died, but she did not
know how much I knew then]. She said that Mike had been
her true love, but that he had moved away when he was in
the 11th grade and they had lost touch. She
said when she came back from the hospital, he was
talking to her telepathically all the time. She could
not get him out of her mind. She then tried to search
for him and could not find him, but did locate his
parents by phone. They were thrilled that someone had
remembered him - for he had died some 25 years before
[just 17 days before my Jim had died]. She was terribly
confused. She was confined to her house and was unable
to research through books what had happened to her. This
was before the days of the World Web on the Net. She had
to rely on occasional television programs for help in
understanding what had happened.
she had been raised as a fundamentalist, she didn't know
what to make of her experience. She was clearly
suffering in so many ways: physically, emotionally,
mentally and spiritually.
this point, I told her about Jim - what my experiences
were and I shared with her what he had told me about the
afterlife. I told her about marriage in heaven and she
looked at me startled. She stated that is what her Mike
told her, and she could not believe it.
has now read several Swedenborg books and has at last
come to terms with her experience. Unfortunately, she is
in worse shape physically; she is on a ventilator. Life
is clearly rough for her, but she is conscious and
mobile in a wheelchair. She no longer fears death as she
did before reading about the afterlife, but knows it
will be a gateway for physical, emotional and spiritual
healing for her.
March 17, 1999 - My cousin crossed over into the
spiritual world yesterday - she has now been
freed from her painful ordeal and no doubt
reunited with our loved ones.
grandmother crossed into the Spiritual world on
December 26, 1997; I really miss her, but know
that she is incredibly happy to be reunited with
her daughter and grandson.
Summer, 2001 - Last year, Jim's cousin, Bill and
his wife, Sue found my memorial site for Jim and
contacted me. What a blessing and comfort their
friendship has been to me.
Memorial Day, 2001, one of the men who served
with Jim in Vietnam also found my memorial site
for Jim and wrote me. Some three months before
Jim died, Rick and Jim were shipped to different
units. Rick thought Jim went home, but at the
last minute, Jim was ordered into a different
unit and stayed in Vietnam. Rick started
thinking of Jim over the years and on Memorial
Day, 2001, he decided to search the Net to see
if he could find Jim and unfortunately then
found out that Jim did not survive the war.
am grateful to God for directing these loved
ones of Jim to me. May God bless them always for
their caring and concern in contacting me.